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I'm no expert, I'm just a mom who used to be fat.

An Open Letter to My Cancer

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Dear melanoma (no I won't capitalize your name, you don't deserve it),

Well, aren't you a sneaky little bitch!  2 and a half years ago you sent your dirty little minions, pre-cancerous cells, to take root on my chest.  That wasn't cool, and I evicted them with a little slice and dice.  Clearly that angered you as you decided to just move in yourself.  Well, I've got news for you too: No Vacancy!

You arrived 2 years ago shortly after I did away with your little precursors.  I let you hang out while I worked 3 jobs, took care of my kids, and husband, and house, and basically let too much time go by before I had a professional say, "You've got cancer."  You almost fooled them though, you deceitful shit.  Very sly to show up looking like a sunspot.  Well played.  Good thing for me, I've got the power of Penn Med behind me.  We weren't falling for your disguise, and biopsy we did.

Now, I can't say I was pleased to get the news that I am polluted with a disease that would kill me if not removed by surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy...but, hey, what's a little skin cancer right?  Oh, yeah the whole kill ya dead thing.  Still, didn't freak me out.  I have spent over a month knowing you're just hanging out feeding on my healthy cells (Dude, do you have any idea how much work I've put into the whole having healthy cells thing?  Not cool.).  I've really been "OK".  But I must admit, when I walked under the cancer treatment center sign, I might have gotten a huge knot in my throat and stood paralyzed unable to find my way to the correct office.  Still, I smiled and took the help offered by an aide, who got me to the right wing and elevator.

Here's where you messed up, my intimate enemy, though I've been relatively cool with your very temporary habitation, it is totally freaking everyone else out.  And that's where I can say, melanoma, you don't know me very well...at.all.  I don't tolerate anyone or anything that fucks with my loved ones.  You really sealed your own fate with that one. Tomorrow I will evict you, just like I did your predecessors.  You will be cut out of my chest and my arm.  My friends, and family, and I will go to bed knowing that although I'll have a couple of craptastic scars, they're a lot prettier and less deadly than cancer.

I will be seeing a doctor more in the next couple of years than I probably have in my life.  I'll have every inch of my body checked every 3 months, toes and butt cheeks spread and boobs lifted (no not "lifted", I wish, but picked up to check under).  My lymph nodes will be felt up regularly.  I'll be biopsied with each new mole, freckle, and sunspot, and probably some of the old ones too.  I concede that you, dear melanoma  (yeah that made me throw up a little), will be a permanent part of my life.  However, you will not be a permanent part of my body.    Should you make a reappearance, I will deal with you accordingly.  You will be cut, radiated, and chemo'ed until you give up the hell up.  Face it cancer, you shit bag, I will win.  Whether it's tomorrow or years from now, you're ass is going down.  Might as well wave the white flag.

With all the disgust I can muster,
Jess

P.S.  I'm super involved and so are my friends.  Next cause is likely to be anti-melanoma.  Just sayin'.

P.P.S.  I'm watching Impractical Jokers right now.  So even the night before cancer surgery, I'm LOLing...So There!

P. P. P. S.  If I had a good photo editing program, I'd draw a middle finger on the picture below.



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Comfy Style is "No nonsense"

Thursday, January 10, 2013

This post brought to you by No nonsense. All opinions are 100% mine.

A big thanks to whoever brought back the leggings/tights and loose tunic look!  I may have been wearing said look around the house since, well, it was "in" last.  Thanks to No nonesense for bringing my look up to date.  I was lucky enough to receive brown leggings that go with everything (especially my favorite big sweater), and a very cool pair of purple tights (pictured below).  As mentioned, I've always enjoyed the leggings, tights on the other hand, not so much.  I love the idea, but it seems like the crotch is always riding down and that horrid waistband is tight and uncomfortable causing muffin top (ew).  No nonsense read my mind, and has addressed these issues, perfecting the average tights.  The cut is perfect, so no crotch droop.  The waistband is more like the leggings, thick with plenty of give, eliminating the over-hang.  Their new tights may just be my new fave fashion accessory!  And did I mention that the price is as good as the style?  Yep, I'll be heading to my local department store to grab a few more.  You can find them as drug and grocery stores too.

It looks like I'm not the only one loving No nonsense tights and leggings.  Style expert, Jill Martin of Access Hollywood and co-author of "I Have Nothing to Wear!", has teamed up with No nonsense as their new Brand Ambassador.  Follow Jill's fashion tips on Twitter and like No nonsense on Facebook for the chance to win a trip to meet her along with a shopping spree for two.  Sooo, comfortable, fashionable, affordable products, fashion tips from an expert, and the opportunity to win a shopping spree, Yes Please and Thank You No nonsense!

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Friday, December 7, 2012



Garmin Forerunner 410 GPS-Enabled Sports Watch



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